I started this blog a few days ago as a tool, an extension of my journal. I have journaled for years yet during the depths of my nightmare marriage I all but gave it up.

I now realize that fear of facing what I might find out about myself and my marriage were the main reasons for avoiding my writing. Fear of my husband’s discovery was also in part to blame although I’m pretty smart, I could have hidden it if I was really motivated.

The little that I have written so far, I find it very helpful to use this form as I cannot or will not lie to myself or others here. In journaling I am only held accountable to myself, I am able to assign blame if I like and to whom I please. I can let fantasies and hopes of relationships that I wanted to be sweep me away from my reality.

Here, people read my words. I must look deep inside as I write, at what role I played in causing my own pain. Someone I know might read my words one day.

I love C, he’s my friend and he’s good for me.

MY fear, I’m not good for him.

Realization: That’s my problem, not his.

I need to accept that it is his decision to make if I am good for him or not, not mine. No matter his decision I must accept it.

Our past has no connection to what is happening with us now.

Have a Bright and Lovely day.

“Sigh”