THE ANGELS’ VOYAGE

Blue hull racing

Along emerald green waters

Grey sails straining to catch a breath of adventure

SHE watches

ONCE AGAIN

from the shore

As The Angle sets sail

leaving her behind

Her voice fills his sail as she wishes him fair winds and following seas

Her words his winds to spinnaker reach this time

“You are my KNIGHT!”

“Not the one – I made of you”

“I ride the wind – On my OWN TWO WINGS”

The Angels’ voyage I shall only glimpse, never ride”

“Sigh”

Advertisements

NEW EXPERIENCE

I have been keeping silent the last few days enjoying reading all of the wonderful posts from everyone I am following.

I have been getting ready to get away for a bit and try something new. No phone, computer, tablet, nothing, completely unplugged for about 2 weeks.

Hopefully I’ll survive and have something to write about as a bonus… lol

“Sigh”

Miss or Ma’am?

How many women have I offended throughout the years, clients, vendors, business associates. I started out so young and green in the corporate world. All men were Sir, all women were Ma’am, I thought I was beginning respectful.

When I am addressed as ma’am myself now, I cringe a little inside. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ma’am. I have been married, I have a child and I am obviously over 50.

I accept it and own it, I don’t have to really like it.

“Sigh”

IT’S A TOOL

I started this blog a few days ago as a tool, an extension of my journal. I have journaled for years yet during the depths of my nightmare marriage I all but gave it up.

I now realize that fear of facing what I might find out about myself and my marriage were the main reasons for avoiding my writing. Fear of my husband’s discovery was also in part to blame although I’m pretty smart, I could have hidden it if I was really motivated.

The little that I have written so far, I find it very helpful to use this form as I cannot or will not lie to myself or others here. In journaling I am only held accountable to myself, I am able to assign blame if I like and to whom I please. I can let fantasies and hopes of relationships that I wanted to be sweep me away from my reality.

Here, people read my words. I must look deep inside as I write, at what role I played in causing my own pain. Someone I know might read my words one day.

I love C, he’s my friend and he’s good for me.

MY fear, I’m not good for him.

Realization: That’s my problem, not his.

I need to accept that it is his decision to make if I am good for him or not, not mine. No matter his decision I must accept it.

Our past has no connection to what is happening with us now.

Have a Bright and Lovely day.

“Sigh”

PAVLOV’S DOG

Yes I am one of Pavlov’s Dogs, my stimulus, the DING from my messenger app. My pulse starts to race, my skin starts to flush, I’m confident my eyes dilate basically, it turns me on. Why, it’s how “C” and I communicate, for the longest time after leaving my husband I lived for that DING. Other than my son that DING was my reason for waking up every day, my best friend and lifeline was on the other end.

Fast forward 6 months, I’ve been trying for about 5 weeks to maintain no contact with “C”, trying being the operative word here.  I make it about 12 days then I give in, the reasons don’t seem to matter. I make an excuse, he messages me, he likes or makes a comment on a photo I posted on Facebook or for no reason at all. I can ignore all of them to a point then I pick up my phone and send a message. Then I wait, I think he’s doing the same thing, avoiding me.  Good he should, I’m more messed up than he is and we are not meant to be, as much as I have always wanted us, it is time to let it go. I’m working on it, give me time please.

Today my phone was going off like crazy, every time the same response but I tried desperately not to dive for it. It was never him, good, that’s good.

Then tonight as I was working on my tablet “DING” his picture pops up, the first few words “Hi Sweetie sorr….”

That’s all I saw, I swiped the chat head down to clear it off the screen, grabbed my phone to do the same, quick clear the notification bar, now I just have to wait for the email, there it is, delete. Phew made it, for now, it’s been 11 days.  I looked at the clock 3 hour time difference it was close to 1:00 am when he sent it, good call he knew if I did read it I wouldn’t risk waking him or keeping him up with a response, or is that just me hoping he is thinking about me that much, BINGO!

I really want to know what that message says.

“Sigh”

Mind Blowing Happiness

The simplest things can cause profound understanding.

As long as I can recall, I have had low self-esteem, body, beauty, intelligence, self-worth, you name it.

Today a woman who lives in our development, whom I do not know but have seen a few times passed me on the road. She gave me, what I perceived, to be the most hateful and disgusted look I had seen in a long time. I immediately started down my rabbit hole, checking off my list.

What had I done?

What had I forgotten to do?

Who had I offended?

Was the yard a mess?

Do I look bad?

“STOP! You have no idea what that woman was thinking about when she looked at you.” Probability of her thinking about me, negative 100.

I took a deep breath took stock of my feelings and started to laugh, I was happy. I understood right then and there what it means to have positive self-esteem.

I felt beautiful and perfect for maybe the first time ever.

I am beautiful not because I am beautiful to you (whoever you are).

I am beautiful because I am beautiful to ME, and that’s enough.

Thank you Carol, the hard work is paying off.

“Sigh” 😊