THE ANGELS’ VOYAGE

Blue hull racing

Along emerald green waters

Grey sails straining to catch a breath of adventure

SHE watches

ONCE AGAIN

from the shore

As The Angle sets sail

leaving her behind

Her voice fills his sail as she wishes him fair winds and following seas

Her words his winds to spinnaker reach this time

“You are my KNIGHT!”

“Not the one – I made of you”

“I ride the wind – On my OWN TWO WINGS”

The Angels’ voyage I shall only glimpse, never ride”

“Sigh”

NEW EXPERIENCE

I have been keeping silent the last few days enjoying reading all of the wonderful posts from everyone I am following.

I have been getting ready to get away for a bit and try something new. No phone, computer, tablet, nothing, completely unplugged for about 2 weeks.

Hopefully I’ll survive and have something to write about as a bonus… lol

“Sigh”

Miss or Ma’am?

How many women have I offended throughout the years, clients, vendors, business associates. I started out so young and green in the corporate world. All men were Sir, all women were Ma’am, I thought I was beginning respectful.

When I am addressed as ma’am myself now, I cringe a little inside. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ma’am. I have been married, I have a child and I am obviously over 50.

I accept it and own it, I don’t have to really like it.

“Sigh”

IT’S A TOOL

I started this blog a few days ago as a tool, an extension of my journal. I have journaled for years yet during the depths of my nightmare marriage I all but gave it up.

I now realize that fear of facing what I might find out about myself and my marriage were the main reasons for avoiding my writing. Fear of my husband’s discovery was also in part to blame although I’m pretty smart, I could have hidden it if I was really motivated.

The little that I have written so far, I find it very helpful to use this form as I cannot or will not lie to myself or others here. In journaling I am only held accountable to myself, I am able to assign blame if I like and to whom I please. I can let fantasies and hopes of relationships that I wanted to be sweep me away from my reality.

Here, people read my words. I must look deep inside as I write, at what role I played in causing my own pain. Someone I know might read my words one day.

I love C, he’s my friend and he’s good for me.

MY fear, I’m not good for him.

Realization: That’s my problem, not his.

I need to accept that it is his decision to make if I am good for him or not, not mine. No matter his decision I must accept it.

Our past has no connection to what is happening with us now.

Have a Bright and Lovely day.

“Sigh”

PAVLOV’S DOG

Yes I am one of Pavlov’s Dogs, my stimulus, the DING from my messenger app. My pulse starts to race, my skin starts to flush, I’m confident my eyes dilate basically, it turns me on. Why, it’s how “C” and I communicate, for the longest time after leaving my husband I lived for that DING. Other than my son that DING was my reason for waking up every day, my best friend and lifeline was on the other end.

Fast forward 6 months, I’ve been trying for about 5 weeks to maintain no contact with “C”, trying being the operative word here.  I make it about 12 days then I give in, the reasons don’t seem to matter. I make an excuse, he messages me, he likes or makes a comment on a photo I posted on Facebook or for no reason at all. I can ignore all of them to a point then I pick up my phone and send a message. Then I wait, I think he’s doing the same thing, avoiding me.  Good he should, I’m more messed up than he is and we are not meant to be, as much as I have always wanted us, it is time to let it go. I’m working on it, give me time please.

Today my phone was going off like crazy, every time the same response but I tried desperately not to dive for it. It was never him, good, that’s good.

Then tonight as I was working on my tablet “DING” his picture pops up, the first few words “Hi Sweetie sorr….”

That’s all I saw, I swiped the chat head down to clear it off the screen, grabbed my phone to do the same, quick clear the notification bar, now I just have to wait for the email, there it is, delete. Phew made it, for now, it’s been 11 days.  I looked at the clock 3 hour time difference it was close to 1:00 am when he sent it, good call he knew if I did read it I wouldn’t risk waking him or keeping him up with a response, or is that just me hoping he is thinking about me that much, BINGO!

I really want to know what that message says.

“Sigh”

Mind Blowing Happiness

The simplest things can cause profound understanding.

As long as I can recall, I have had low self-esteem, body, beauty, intelligence, self-worth, you name it.

Today a woman who lives in our development, whom I do not know but have seen a few times passed me on the road. She gave me, what I perceived, to be the most hateful and disgusted look I had seen in a long time. I immediately started down my rabbit hole, checking off my list.

What had I done?

What had I forgotten to do?

Who had I offended?

Was the yard a mess?

Do I look bad?

“STOP! You have no idea what that woman was thinking about when she looked at you.” Probability of her thinking about me, negative 100.

I took a deep breath took stock of my feelings and started to laugh, I was happy. I understood right then and there what it means to have positive self-esteem.

I felt beautiful and perfect for maybe the first time ever.

I am beautiful not because I am beautiful to you (whoever you are).

I am beautiful because I am beautiful to ME, and that’s enough.

Thank you Carol, the hard work is paying off.

“Sigh” 😊

I LOST IT

My neighbor and closest friend Né came over last night for a “No kid’s visit”, our first in 10 days or so. We are very close friends even with a 24 year age difference, I am the elder :-).

It was great to be able to catch up, BS and bitch about all the things the two of us always keep just between us, you know this person, your sounding board.

During our conversation Né started complaining about how everyone in the county is only talking about LGBT Rights. I calmly listened to her go on for a while thinking she just needed to get something off her chest and she would get to it eventually. As her words kept flowing I started wondering where all of this was leading, it wasn’t feeling like a cathartic purge anymore. It wasn’t just an expression of opinions or feelings it was starting to feel more like a statement of right and wrong.

We don’t do this! I was thinking to myself, we have discussions, lively debates! Sure our opinions differ, so what? We made a pact, a long while ago, when we first started to become friends, it was our core values that brought us together we don’t have to agree on every little thing, agree to disagree. No preaching, remember! If you have an opinion you get to have it. That’s why we have each other, we were both oppressed in our pasts and it is wonderful to have a friend who we could be so open and honest, with no judgment. Plus I was confused, we have had this discussion before she supports LGBT Rights, she was for marriage equality or so I thought. Could I have gotten that so wrong? No, we have had this discussion more than once, I know her, and it’s something else.

I am a very gentle person by nature, I strive to be non-judgmental (not an easy task and I fail miserably often but I learn from my mistakes hopefully).  I try to live by the motto that I can’t see past my own sin and faults to see yours, so I’ll just worry about mine :-). (Talking about personal issues here, not crime or injustice, etc.) Lastly, I try to always practice mercy and understanding again I am human, I fail at times.

I still hadn’t said a word to Né at this point; she had been going on about things she had read, seen on TV. Then she started talking about the businesses that don’t want to serve the LGBT community based on religious views.  That’s when it started, the RED haze that starts to cover my brain.  The two things that really get me going are injustice and ignorance, in one shot, in my mind, she hit me with both! I asked her to give me an example. She went on to vaguely imply that people were being forced to marry couples against their religious beliefs.

I stopped her there and asker her, “When you and B get married are you going to get married in a church?”

No, we don’t belong to a church.

So what?

Well most churches won’t marry us unless we are members.

So, force them too.

You can’t do that!

I know, what makes you think a Gay or Lesbian couple could if you can’t?

“OH!” Light bulb moment here

Then she started in on bakers who don’t want to make cakes for same sex weddings, and florists who don’t want to do the flowers and how this whole thing is just taking over our country. I just lost it, I don’t really know what hit but the red haze covered my eyes I jumped out of my seat yelled at the top of my lungs, ”Then find a new F’ing job! If their religion doesn’t allow them to serve everyone, then they need to get into a new business!” I was mad.

Né was shocked, she had never seen me lose it. I don’t tolerate people who hide behind religion to get their way. Stop! I believe in God and I believe in Jesus. I follow gods will for me daily and I follow the teachings of Jesus. I also pray every day that I never use my love for God or His love for me to oppress another human being.

I respect people’s religions but I think we can all work together in respect and with communication and understanding and no one has to compromise their beliefs or feel that their rights have been denied. The biggest obstacle is getting past the feelings of I am right and you are wrong that all of us have.

This went on for a while, her and I back and forth, nothing was accomplished. Feeling horrid, I stopped, shut my mouth gave her a hug and told her I was sorry. I stepped back and calmly asked, “What’s this really about?”

Once again “This is taking over our country!” In a supper whinny voice and it hit me! Why I had blown up so forcefully or at least partially why, she had been whining this whole time that coupled with my perceived injustice of it all, OK, mind readjust.

What do you mean by taking over our whole county, you keep saying that?

That’s all you hear about, on the news, in the paper, on social media it’s all anyone talks about. Enough already, we get it! Marriage equality, equal rights hooray, move on! More whining, I wanted to laugh, I didn’t, I’m a little kinder than that despite my earlier actions. Gently I explained that I understood that to her I am sure it felt like that was all that was being talked about and that no other voice in the nation was being heard.  Her eyes lit up and she sat a little straighter, I understood her. I reminded her that it had only been a little over 2 weeks since the Supreme Court Ruling on Same Sex Marriage. This is a huge step forward for equality in this nation, it’s not going to die down.  In fact the voices aren’t going to go away they are going to keep speaking, they have just been given the ultimate right to speak! All these citizens who felt they couldn’t speak up before have now been given a voice in our nation, they are talking and they want to be heard. She looked at me funny and said, they didn’t have to be silent; generation gap, sigh. I replied, lot’s felt that they did, now they don’t.

“But no one else can talk!”, there it was, the real reason, no one can hear me or my kind anymore.

Yes, yes, yes they can! Everyone who was talking is still talking there are just more voices added now and you are not use to it yet, it will come, you’ll see, it’s good.  I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, I promise!

Really, are you sure? We talked a little more and I made some references to the old days as she calls them (the 60’s and 70’s) she started getting her smile back. 🙂

So I gave her an analogy, realizing this is her generation’s first really meaningful social change, have I been through so many I have become blasé?

We are in a small 15 member choir, our group is good but not great and we have a small but loyal audience attendance for our performances’. One day our choir director hears singing coming from the parking lot.  Upon investigation finds the construction crew working eating lunch and singing acapella and they are fantastic. When he approaches them about joining the choir they are hesitant, they have never sung in public only in private. Eventually he convinces them to come to a practice on Saturday just to check it out.  When they come in they bring the rest of the group and their wives who sing as well 18 in all.  Time passes and they are accepted into the choir more than doubling the size.

Has adding 18 more voices to the choir stopped you from singing?

Are you still able to sing a solo part when needed?

With the addition of the 18 voices the songs became richer, have more depth and diversity. Ultimately the music and experience have more meaning.

Voices aren’t being silenced; we’re just allowing more people into the choir.

She left the house feeling way better then when she came in, always the goal when we visit each other.

This was meant as an apology to Né for losing my temper, so sorry sweetie, I love you.

As I was writing this it occurred to me what else I had done, I also apologize for trying to impose my opinion and will upon you, we said we wouldn’t do that…..told you I fail, but I learn! 🙂

“Sigh”

CORNER

The love that doesn’t stop hiding in the corner of my heart

Waiting for you to show your face

I go about my happy life, everything in its place

No one knows that corner is yours, locked up tight

I can’t find the key to set it free

Dreams and love of past have come and gone

I remember them all with a smile or a smirk of quiet peacefulness

My grey eyed boy I must let go, will that corner still beat after all this time

Your love for me I never understood

Decades too late I learned how to tell you of mine

“Sigh”